journal post: taking time for me

I have never been to Time Out For Women, but have had intentions (or at least desires) to go over the past few years. However, something always came up... as it always seems to when it comes to doing something just for me. I always seem to create some really great reason as to WHY I can't rationalize taking time for me. The reasons I verbalize are time and/or money. These are valid reasons for skipping out and staying at home, in my book.

However, I realized recently that I was getting awful close to that "feeling burned out" stage and spent lots of time beating MYSELF up for it. After all, it wasn't the kids' fault that they were both born while Parker and I were finishing school. Nor was it my practically perfect husband's fault because he is constantly encouraging me to do things for myself, things that will help me feel good about me. Okay, so it must be my own fault for feeling guilty all the time that I'm not fulfilling my role as wife and mother the way I picture in my mind that I should be. In addition, it seems like oftentimes when we visit with certain family members, they have a way of reminding me of and criticizing me for the exact things that I have been wrestling with inside myself... it doesn't help! Now what? What can I do?

Don't fall out of your chair, but to my recollection until last month, I had left my kids and husband to do something "for me" 3 times in 4 years of marriage. I shared this with a couple friends of mine lately (as we were completing my "3rd" outing without my loving family) and I could almost taste and feel her pity on me. It never dawned on me that this was not normal. I've never been one to care about trends or focus too much on what other people thought of me... except that I finally realized: I am a BETTER wife and mother when I take a little time for me every once in a while. Not necessarily even once a week, but every now and then. I have another outlet to develop my own talents so that I feel GREAT about myself and have a boost and re-charge in order to be the absolute BEST mom and BEST wife. The rest of you probably figured this out a long time ago. It's taken me a while, I know. You're probably saying to yourself, DUH! Well, I'm slow. During school, I was so tired and trying to just keep up with everything... I felt like I was already taking plenty of time away from Jackson (and eventually Kate when she came along) that I couldn't find it in me to justify leaving him/them for any additional time. I even had a hard time sacrificing to go to the temple for this exact reason (although there were others as well... including the time and money factors).
So, I got my postcard notification/reminder in the mail for Time Out For Women a while back and decided that even if I ended up going by myself, I really NEEDED to go. Growing up I THRIVED on Youth Conference, Girls' Camp, Especially For Youth, and other events that strengthened my testimony and helped remind me that my Heavenly Father loves me, so much so that He allowed His Only Begotten Son to perform the Ultimate Sacrifice... all so that my sins and imperfections and sorrows and heartaches would be covered and after all that I could give (which would never be enough), Christ's Sacrifice would make up the difference and I could live with them again. It's an incredible thought. It gives me hope and peace, even when some days are not easy. BUT, I need those reminders.
This event was like EFY for big people. It was awesome! And I didn't go alone. A friend of mine came with me (luckily, because she had kleenex and I did not that first day; I was better prepared for Saturday's line up). I have never really considered myself a "crier", so I'm blaming the semi-constant tears on the level of need that I had for this rejuvenation. I had let too many things go and listened to too many people be critical of me as a wife and a mother and was WAY OVERDUE for the messages that were delivered by the speakers and artists. The line up was awesome, but I don't really think it would have mattered. Most of the people, I had only barely heard of. I know that the Spirit was there and I was ready to take it all in and that's what made it such a great experience. Heavenly Father is more aware than I will probably ever realize of WHO I am, my POTENTIAL as a wife, mother, daughter and future queen.

It was so nice to be able to talk with Erica (my friend) about the talks and songs and experiences that were shared, as we related the messages to our own lives right now. In so many ways, she and I have lived similar lives. We have very similar background stories, our children are the same gender and close in age, and have husbands who are so devoted and give 110% all the time, which is especially important considering our backgrounds.

[Kylee--I thought about you consistently through the whole thing and WISHED desperately that I would have thought to invite you along. You would have absolutely LOVED it! It was impossible to walk away not feeling completely loved and validated by God and by our Savior. Next year, you'll have to see if you can work it in to come over for the weekend and come with me... it's going to be in November and it's in Boise. We'll have to talk about it.]

I would love to share my notes... maybe in another post. Jackson wants me to color with him right now. Until then, I'll just say this: There is DEFINITELY a sweet assurance that comes when you know life's truths! Sweet Assurance; that was the theme this season and about sums up what I took away. I know that Heavenly Father loves me, as his daughter. I know that I can do great things, with His help. I know that no matter how imperfect I am, Christ will always be able to make up the difference if I devote all of myself to Him and His teachings. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan especially designed for me. I know that They KNOW what I experience in this life; every joy, every disappointment, every shortcoming, every insecurity and even still LOVE ME. I know that I will be able to be with my family FOREVER. I love my husband and children with a love that is truly indescribible. And I can't think of anything that matches the SWEET ASSURANCE that these truths bring to me.